I am one of many adult survivors of child sexual abuse. Dark Matter and Deathbed Reflections have arisen from one creative voice of a male who has experienced severe trauma in his childhood which fractured his self into pieces (ego states). Some ego states were not fully integrated with the others. One of these ego states was abandoned to lie suffering and buried alive in a very dark place to be ignored.
Two manuscripts authored by one voice among many survivors demonstrates the fracturing, disjointedness and need for reintegration necessary to regain wholeness.
About The Cover
At the age of fifteen the author was targeted by a Roman Catholic priest to whom he had confessed, many times, all of the sins with which a young boy struggles as he confronts his emerging puberty. A friendship grew which the author believed to be genuine but, as it turned out, was really just the grooming period employed by a sexual predator.
At age fifteen the author confided to this priest that he wanted to go with his brother and drink alcohol on a Friday or Saturday night when his brother and friends went out drinking. The author was disheartened because his brother always refused to take him. “I just want to see what it is like to be drunk,” the young fifteen year old lamented to his priestly friend.
The priest responded to the youth that if that was all that was wanted, then this priest could take the youth to the priest’s beach cottage and would let the youth drink to his desire. On the designated weekend as planned, the priest drove the author to his cottage which was in another state, a significant distance from family and friends.
When the author finally reached a safe haven back at home, he went to the rectory of his parish and told another of his confessor priests about the traumatic experience and wanted to report the abusive priest to the police.
The response that he received was, “He (the predator priest) is a powerful man in the archdiocese. It will be your word against his. You will only be hurt again. I promise you that he will never bother you again and that he will never hurt any other boy again.” The outcome of this brief conversation was that the author at fifteen believed this priest. The author never engaged in any therapy or counseling until 45 years later after he went into crises from reading about The Church’s responses concerning the Boston, Massachusetts, child abuse scandal that was being reported by the Boston Globe. Specifically, the author was outraged at the feigning of shock and the statements that the Church was ignorant that this behavior was happening in the priestly community. The author knew this was a lie because 45 years earlier he told the Church that this behavior was perpetrated upon him when he told his local priest about it.
The cover is the product of one of the therapeutic exercises during his years of getting professional help to cope with his childhood trauma. The author was given a plain white plastic face and instructed to make it represent the affect and effect of surviving his childhood sexual abuse.
Dark Matter
I am among you.
Perhaps I’m a few,
but if I’m more then surely
you need to see the darkness in me.
Bright light floods through sparkling clean window panes
of youthful eyes awe struck with new life’s ecstatic joy
to toy with adventure’s luck, innocent of the human flaw
that calls souls to seek the meek weaker desirous prey
to feed the need to gorge on sweet tender freshness.
Dark matter is the hard crusted scabs of wounded visions of trust
betrayed by lust and power’s need to be above accountability’s creed to be just.
Dark matter is cataracts from stressful strains to regain youthful sight
amid the plight of progress for the Few walled and gated from the neglected horde.
Accordingly bored with true equality,
frailty is known as opportunity to dominate
and control one’s fate to take more than is required
to stand higher above all others oblivious of their needs.
Tension
Empty stomach gurgling
moves keen predator to prey.
Gnashing dash slashing —
Fleeing hope jumps to delay
The neck snapping fray.