Brownski also points out that raiding nomadic tribes evolved from hunters who were not the domesticators of plants and animals but became marauders who would plunder and steal the villagers’ stored excess of food and crafts. In the era of marauding nomadic tribes, the villagers who were not fighters could barter their surplus goods with a potential marauding nomadic tribe that would be amenable to providing such protection for that village.
The need for protection from an enemy’s physical threat has never faded away, but today’s technical advances such as bombs, airplanes, artillery and the like have augmented and surpassed the power of the physical body of modern humans. Additionally, bartering with individuals that once constituted marauding groups has evolved into standing armies populated by individuals who are citizens of the group being protected. It is the advancements of the thinking brain over the brawn of the body that has brought society to its age of nuclear weapons, chemical warfare, the weaponizing of sound waves and a myriad of other advancements in weapons of mass destruction. We now employ mechanized brawn as a means of personal protection.
With the onset of increased cooperation and the emergence of villages, issues related to philía increased. A viable relationship between individual adults is required if cooperation is to be achieved. As the need for improved cooperation increases so does the need for more viable relationships and this need is not so attached to reproduction as it is to cooperation. Qualities like trust, loyalty, and dependability become significant and are not necessarily connected to érōs, but are core traits of philía. Philía is movement beyond érōs. While philía still impacts survival significantly, its presence isn’t needed for copulation to occur (recall the polar bears). Philía establishes relationships between individuals that promote the ability to thrive beyond the basic need to survive. It is relationships facilitated by strong philía that have facilitated advancement to our modern human existence.
If philía has brought humans this far, is there any real advantage to living with agápē? Does agápē impact our survival as significantly as did philía? Lying on my deathbed, gazing upon the vision of my wife watching a late night movie, I became instantly aware that she facilitated my understanding the truth of agápē. Agápē is facilitating the development of the individual to the highest level of humanity humanly possible. In other words, agápē is nurturing the individual to be the best human being he or she can become. Additionally, reciprocity weaves throughout the core of agápē.
The awakening of érōs as an uncompromising force in my life began in earnest with my entrance into puberty. Learning how to appropriately contend with érōs began with understanding philía. The process of this education was my journey through dating, courtship, the ending of my first engagement, my first marriage, my devoice, dating the woman who would ultimately become my second wife, and our courtship which culminated in our marriage. The beginning of my dating phase began with my first public dance when I was thirteen years old and lasted through my college years and my first marriage at the age of twenty-seven. Learning about philía was a long and slow process of trial and error with many attempts at forming relationships and suffering through their demise. What I have learned correctly or incorrectly is that all of my attempts at relationships with potential mates ended because of misunderstanding of issues related to matters of philía.
From my perspective, features of attractiveness changed throughout my years of learning about philía. What constitutes attractiveness is directly tied to one’s perception of philía. The simplest example of this connection occurs early in the dating phase. The philía quality of loyalty tempers physical attractiveness. My experience demonstrated to me that this is true for both males and females. Something about a female’s physical appearance catches my eye and I pursue a first encounter. If all goes well, more encounters will be experienced successfully to the point when mutually planned encounters will be the beginnings of a more permanent relationship than an arrangement of occasional meetings. At this point, indicators of loyalty may become equal and then surpass physical appearance as the primary attractiveness by one or both parties. This becomes quite clear when loyalty is broken in spite of strong physical attractiveness issues. Publicly declaring someone to be your girlfriend or boyfriend in middle school is the first test of going steady in high school that evolves into pinning someone in college and ultimately prepares individuals to enter into premarital engagements. I had girlfriends, went steady, pinned a girl, was engaged (more than once), married and divorced. I passed through all of these experiences before my current marriage of twenty-five years which is still going strong. Along the way of this path, I suffered through the emotional stress of each and every breakup. Sometimes my loyalty was weak. Sometimes the female of my affection lost her feelings for me. Either way, we, the both of us, were too young, too naive, and too inexperienced to know our own minds or the true nature of our hearts. Frankly, we were just growing up and had to learn from our own misunderstandings about ourselves and others.
The discomfort of my early breakups was diminished and extinguished through the next entanglement with another female who attracted my attention. Eventually, I learned that loyalties waned because attractiveness waned or was eclipsed by the attractiveness radiating from another individual. Different characteristics became more attractive than that which first caught my eye. Physical attractiveness qualities began to take a back seat to other characteristics which seemed to be more lasting. Cooperation and consideration of the other became important. At first I began to respond negatively when I felt that I was not being considered by my girlfriend. This discomfort began to alert me to the fact that I, too, may have been inconsiderate of my girlfriend at times. This type of behavior can be lumped into the category of taking your partner for granted and highlights the value and need for learning how to cooperate. Cooperation in its true sense is a counter to narcissism. Experiencing the emotional discomfort of breaking up is essential to facilitating the self to reflect on human behavior. At first I reflected mostly on the behavior of my escaping partner, but soon I realized that I needed to truthfully investigate my contributions to the ensuing alienation leading to the breakup.
If I was to have any chance of maintaining a lasting relationship with a permanent mate, I would need to see exactly what went wrong in the failed attempt at maintaining a lasting relationship with a female. Now, at 68 and looking back over my history, I see that much of the difficulty was arguably due to youthful immaturity, inexperience, and the need to understand what it means to be in a lasting relationship with another person. Obviously being sixteen and being told that I was “only infatuated with the girl” did not sit well with me. I had to learn from experience the truth of the matter. Such a learning depended entirely upon personal experience and took many years of recovering from my mistakes and the mistakes of others.
After the many years of experiencing and overcoming the anguish of many breakups with diverse females of different ages, experience, and maturity, I began to understand the multiple benefits of temperating the commands of érōs with the beneficial characteristics of philía. It seems to me that loyalty was the first philía characteristic that caught my lasting attention. Quickly thereafter, dependability emerged as a quality necessary for sustaining healthy relationships. My perceptions began to group characteristics into interlocking arrays. For example, loyalty is connected to dependability. Once I became aware that the individual appeared to be loyal, then I began to depend upon that loyalty. Had I felt betrayed by an individual and depending upon the depth of the perceived betrayal, I could, and should, depend upon a repeat performance. This was an enlightening reflection. Loyalty is connected to dependability and both loyalty and dependability are connected to trust issues. So, loyalty, dependability, and trustworthiness were extremely beneficial philía characteristics and consequently greatly influenced my perception of attractiveness. A female who was physically attractive but lacked in loyalty, dependability, and trustworthiness became proportionally less attractive to me. The next advance in my consciousness occurred when my reflections led to an understanding that if I wanted an individual who demonstrated those characteristics, then that individual may similarly be attracted to those very same characteristics in me. If those were the characteristics that I found attractive in others, I would have to make sure that I, too, developed those same characteristics in an openly demonstrative way in presenting myself to the outside world.
Other key philía characteristics include kindness, honesty, the ability and willingness to cooperate, appreciation of diversity, respectfulness of others, tolerance, truthfulness, gentleness, firmness, compassion, accountability of self and others, mercy, and forgiveness. Philía is very robust and highly beneficial to a healthy life. Its existence forms the foundation upon which civilization has advanced to this point in human history. Erōs assures the survival of the species. Philía assures the survival of civilization.
While learning about the characteristics of philía and developing the integration of those characteristics into my relationships, my divorce demonstrates that I still had more work to do. To me a divorce is a profound experience with roots that grow deep to the core of my being, sprouting tiny and medium sized tentacles that punch through and wrap around various anchor points throughout the core of my soul. The density of this metaphorical root system is determined by the longevity and intensity of experience of the relationship to be ended. This living relationship had great moments like the birth of my children. It also had very difficult moments that would eventually lead to the demise of the relationship. The end of my marriage occurred a long time before the actual legal divorce. The time between the actual demise of the relationship and the legal pronouncement of the judge is the time when the unhealthiness of the dying relationship festers like a gangrene infection waiting for the surgical separation to occur. For me, the pain of this unhealthy condition and the process through the surgical separation had to be endured without pain killers. I know that some individuals will self-medicate during this time, but to me it is a pain that must be felt, endured, and overcome. Pain is a feedback loop that alerts the individual that a problem has occurred and must be addressed and rectified or the illness will eventually end in the demise of the infected person. The separation was a ripping away of the connections that were developed over the many years of the relationship. All of the good and all of the bad aspects of the relationship were ripped out at the same time in one swift yank, punctuated by the judge’s gavel at the end of the legal proceedings. Apart from the experience of pain, what was to be learned?
The marriage relationship with the most significance to my experience was that of my parents. What could I learn from reflecting upon that relationship that persevered until their passing? My mother was the dominant person and was pretty much the authoritarian; consequently my father was more of a manipulator. I did not really start to see my parents as the human beings that they actually were until the later years in high school. Once in college I began to evaluate their relationship to evaluate what I really wanted in a possible mate for myself. I observed that many partnerships had one partner who dominated and ruled the family, while the other individual was subservient to the dominant personality.
The modern movie Fifty Shades of Grey, in extreme fashion, depicts a relationship between a dominant and a submissive. I talked with my older brother after I viewed that movie because I thought that such relationships were quite abusive. A contract between the partners is drawn up outlining what behaviors are acceptable between the dominant and the submissive. My brother had a different opinion about such relationships. His point was that such relationships were clearly defined in a written contract and therefore constituted a mutual consent between legal adults. It is a matter of free will and conscious choice on the part of both individuals. A little bit of rough sex between consenting adults was a personal matter. My objection was that abuse is abuse no matter how it is packaged. My argument was that a consenting sadist bonded with a consenting masochist was still a very unhealthy relationship and society should not encourage such relationships. Sadomasochistic relationships are not healthy even if they are packaged as written contractual agreements between consenting adults living in dominant/submissive relationships.
While my brother’s understanding of dominant/submissive contractual relationships is different from my understanding, I became acutely aware that the great mass of humanity lives and develops along a widely diverse menu of choices. My brother’s acceptance of dominant/submissive relationships surprised me. I related to him that I resolved to achieve a partnership between equals. Neither individual would attempt to dominate the other and each individual would develop mutual abilities for self-reliance, but cooperation between partners would be considered as equally critical as self-reliance. While my parents’ relationship was by no means like that portrayed in Fifty Shades of Grey, it was not a relationship between equals. My relationship with my current wife in its twenty-fifth year has brought me to the cusp of understanding what constitutes agápē existence.
Agápē is not an intellectual construct of philosophy attempting to instill a higher morality. It is first of all an attempt by humans to understand the reality in which we exist. What if higher morality is truly living according to the whole truth that permeates The Universe and what if that higher morality must develop into an agápē existence? In wanting to explore a living relationship with a female that was based on equality and not dominance or submission, I had to become aware of the truth about myself as a human male. This achievement would not be, and was not, achieved overnight. I have been working consciously on this quest since I was fifteen years of age. I had learned much about myself by the time I entered into a relationship with my current wife, and she would facilitate my continued growth in this quest through her active participation in our relationship together.
Age fifteen is a chronological mark of distinction because it is the year that I formed and transcribed my life’s mantra: “See a thing for what it is, nothing more; nothing less.” Years later, having learned that this mantra was not an accurate understanding of my reality in the world, I needed to make a necessary expansion. It needed to encompass more. Because my life had been taking twists and turns that were not in my conscious plans but were nonetheless outstanding improvements and consequently demonstrated errors in my thinking and planning, I needed to understand the phenomenon which facilitated such improvement and find the words that would testify to its importance and function in my day-to-day events. The second half of my improved mantra — “But remember that Wonder and Mystery are forever and always present” — proved over time to be just what was needed. With this improved mantra added to my practiced reflections upon my life, I developed the habit of recognizing my existence as being composed of three planes of being: the physical, the emotional, and the intellectual. While these three planes of being are distinctive from each other, they are tightly interwoven into one living being — me. I am not a segmented collection of parts. I am a highly integrated, sophisticated, complex living organism with an expanding consciousness, as all human beings are.
Having arrived at this understanding and having regularly practiced reflecting upon the daily events of my life, I met, courted, and married my current wife. Loyalty, dependability, and trustworthiness together with other philía characteristics mentioned before — kindness, honesty, cooperation, respect, tolerance, truthfulness, gentleness and others — formed the foundation of the relationship that has only become more robust to this day. So, one quiet evening in one wondrous, pregnant moment I became aware that the love we shared was an existence in agápē. In this moment I instantly recognized the elements that form agápē because these defining elements were central in our relationship to each other. I gained entrance into the experience of agápē realities through my relationship with my current wife. I have come to understand that experiencing agápē in one’s nuclear family does not constitute a complete understanding of the full nature of agápē existence but experiencing agápē existence in one’s nuclear family does provide a strong foundation upon which to form such relationships as one grows into adulthood. I am certain that my nuclear family of my parents and two brothers was not characterized by agápē existence. Rest assured that the nuclear family of my upbringing was not an atmosphere of unadulterated érōs either. There were plenty of philía characteristics that made up the atmosphere of my childhood, but as a family, we never rose to the level of agápē existence.
The great significance of agápē transcends the individual but agápē is absolutely dependent, significantly, upon the individual. Agápē cannot exist outside of the individual. The individual cannot experience agápē without transitioning from érōs through a full understanding of philía characteristics which he or she seeks to implement into his or her life thereby transcending their primal existence in érōs. It has been my observation that the majority of humans, that I have met, function along a range that stretches from érōs with zero elements of philía to érōs with some elements of philía to érōs with huge amounts of philía that greatly minimizes the primal urges of érōs. A great many civic-minded humans who populate the world have large amounts of philía characteristics functioning in their lives. These are beneficial individuals who seek to better the human condition. This, however, is not an existence in agápē.
As the agápē relationship between myself and my wife exists so agápē relationships can exist in a broader context, but it must retain all of its significantly defining characteristics that constitute its agápē nature. As a human being still learning and developing into a more mature and enlightened life, I can only relate what I think I know about the nature of agápē as it has presented itself to me in the relationship with my mated partner: The core, significant and vital defining characteristic of agápē is nurturing, nurturing without profit. This is the characteristic that is without compromise.
Agápē is the antithesis of narcissism. Agápē is facilitating and supporting the development of the other to the highest level of humanity that the individual can achieve. This agápē process is not about any direct personal gain. The facilitator and supporter is not motivated by any attainment of rewards. This individual is moved to act out of reciprocity. Reciprocity occurs because my partner, my mate, has done likewise for me without seeking any compensation whatsoever and has done so consistently many times. This reciprocity is something we both have come to depend upon just as we depend upon loyalty, trustworthiness, and all the philía characteristics that enhance and transform the érōs that moves humans to seek partnership.
It must be noted that all individuals in agápē relationships are equally rewarded due to the natural inclination to reciprocate agápē realities. I am nurtured to become what is the best in my nature to become. In becoming better in such a fashion I am highly motivated to reciprocate in kind. This is what I have been taught and learned from my current, mated relationship. To have such a relationship is fulfilling in itself. I am content with my life.