The chronology of the events marking my increased awareness of my developing sexuality is not always clear. When I began my Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR) treatment at age 60 for the trauma experienced during my childhood, I had to first recall the history of any trauma laden experiences from birth to the present time. Such a task, in itself, may be considered traumatic by some. The bulk of this history was formulated before any EMDR sessions began, but as the treatment advanced and, as I became less defensive, more open, and less fearful, more images emerged from new associations as I moved deeper into working through the effects and affects of that history. It is clear to me that I was aware of sexual events as they happened even though I probably (more than likely) did not dwell upon them.
I recount the following example that happened when I was very young, but did not consciously remember until I was well into treatment. It popped up during one short eye movement memory recall when the visualization of the experience clearly manifested itself. I was a very small toddler. It was clear to me that I was very small because I was in the doctor’s office to get a routine shot. My mother and a nurse were present. I was to get the shot in my buttock. The memory was of me lying on my stomach with my bottom exposed. I remembered the nurse rubbing her hand over my bottom and commenting to my mom how smooth it was.
[What the reader needs to understand at this point as it became apparent through many eye movement recall sessions that there were times that I did not have words to express what I was experiencing because the memory was a child’s experience that did not have the necessary language development to put the experience into words. But since I was in my sixties, I had the words to describe what I had envisioned.]
After every eye movement recall session, I was asked to describe what I had experienced during that brief eye movement session. After we worked through this fragment of my life (sometimes I would have to focus on the event during several eye movement sessions), it became clear to me that I was upset, even angry, at the nurse for caressing my bottom with her hand and angry at my mother for not stopping the nurse’s action.
Sitting here now, recording this memory, I am amazed by the trivial nature of this event, but two issues strike me as having immense importance. First, very young children are sensitive to and affected by sexual events whether they are conscious of the affect or not; and, second, many adults are unaware or insensitive or uncaring of that fact. One other example of an early indication of awareness and curiosity regarding sexuality issues is when a very young girl living adjacent to my home was on her way to getting a bath. I was playing in the backyard at the time and I heard her mother calling her into the bathroom. She was in the upstairs of her house and was looking out of the window down at me in my yard. I could see only her face and shoulders. The interesting part of this memory was me yelling up to this little girl to get a chair and stand up on it (so that I might see more of her). We were preschool age. It was an act of innocence and her mother must have heard me because she yelled again for her to get into her bath, pronto. The point of these revelations is that I must have been sexually aware at a very young age, but was absolutely naive about it all. I think or I surmised that my anger toward the nurse was about being objectified by her regarding the privacy of my naked bottom. If I was angry at that time about being objectified, then I must have had a strong sense of self at a very early age because objectification is an affront to the individual’s sense of self. It should be likewise highlighted that I, too, committed the offense of objectification of the little girl on her way to her bath. However, and this is equally critical to highlight, the nurse was far, far older than I and should have known better.
So, we are sexual creatures from a very early age even if we are extremely naive about issues of sexuality. The confrontation of this sexual naivety is the natural focus of the pubescent phase of life. Pubescence is not a choice in life. It is a reality of being alive. It is the onset of érōs making itself known with an intensity that cannot be ignored, but must be tolerated and controlled. Understanding that one’s sexuality is to be tolerated and controlled is paramount in understanding the issues around érōs, philía and agápē.
How much understanding did our ancient ancestral hominids have about their sexuality when they roamed the Earth before language was developed and they were more like their animal counterparts with the exception that they were becoming bipedal? How much understanding does Ginger have about her sexuality?
Since breeding and feeding are part of the ANS (a specific subsystem of the nervous system), understanding is not required nor necessary. The drive to breed (érōs) is to act with or without any understanding. Philía, however, is quite possibly the beginning of applied understanding regarding issues of érōs. Reflecting on the example of the polar bears’ mating practices leads me to conclude that 1) male polar bears must understand at some level that they should not or cannot scare the female away. The male polar bear must not appear aggressive if he has any hope of copulating with the female and 2) the female needs to assure herself that this particular male means her no harm. The initial, early mating behaviors of the potential mating pair serves to resolve this uncertainty of the male’s intention. Based on the fact that both bears go their separate ways soon after sufficient copulation has occurred, I conclude that nothing more than a successful copulation is required. For that requirement to be achieved, the aggressiveness from the male and the female must be greatly diminished and an air of friendly acceptance must be achieved and maintained until the required copulation has been completed.
Other mating pairs in the animal world have more involvement by the male partners. Consider bald eagles. According to Live Science contributing writer, J.Castro **, scientists do not know definitively what mates look for in their partners but there are some interesting facts that are known about the mating practices of eagles. According to Castro, unlike polar bears, mating bald eagles remain together for life. Males also help build the nest, and the arial cartwheeling plummet to the ground with interlocked talons appears to me to be a demonstration of flight skills perhaps needed to defend territory and nest. Among bald eagles the male has function beyond merely impregnating the female. The contrast between the mating behavior of polar bears and bald eagles awakens in me the belief that bald eagles have some requirements by which they come to some judgement regarding a prospective mate which is beyond merely the satisfaction of érōs. Skills in flight, assisting in building the nest, maintaining a long-lasting bond and prowess in defending territory and nest are issues of philía.
** (https://www.livescience.com/55278-animal-sex-bald-eagles.html) that posted the article: “Bald Eagle Sex: The Acrobatic Mating of America’s National Bird” by Joseph Castro, Live Science Contributor. It was posted on July 4 2016 at 10:38 am ET.
Consider, also, the cardinal. Male cardinals are bright red with a stunning black face; The red color is an indication to the females that the male is as healthy as the brightness of his red color. The brighter the red, the healthier the male. Also the brightness of the red indicates a male that is good at locating food rich in the nutrients that promote health. The black face of cardinals has different significance for the male and the female. A large black face on a female indicates that she is a good defender of the nest whereas a large black face on a male indicates that he is not highly successful in reproduction. I did not read any verification that cardinals actually select their partners based on these reported facts. Like bald eagles, mating pairs of cardinals tend to stay bonded together. I found it interesting that when the female is going to leave the nest she sings a song, and soon after she leaves the nest, the male returns and takes over the guarding chores. Again we see that mating within the cardinal population involves more than simply copulating and then leaving the female to her own devices. Philía is interwoven into the érōs of cardinals as they respond to the command to breed. **Check out the web site, for information about cardinals.
http://www.birdhouses101.com/cardinal-mating.asp,
Compared to polar bears, bald eagles and cardinals have some requirements for more cooperation between mating pairs. Mating pairs of bald eagles and cardinals appear to work together cooperatively as a mating pair. Having requirements to fulfill leads to the speculation that some level of evaluation is to be made when finding a mate with whom to copulate.
This requirement leading to a need to evaluate elevates the need to attract a good mating partner, especially if the pair are to be mated for an extended time. The attraction for polar bears seems to be the scent glands in the pads of the female’s paws. The rest seems to be the defusing of aggression or the establishment of a cordial atmosphere of “friendship” for at least the short duration of sufficiently copulating together. Mating bald eagles and cardinals appear to have more requirements for the male. As such, the females must find some means to evaluate if the prospective male is up to the task. The cardinal’s black face is an indicator for both the female and the male and size of the black face as well as the richness of the red color of the male can serve to cue the favorability of the prospective mate. The arial cartwheeling plummet of the bald eagles may be the indicator of flight skills. There might be others, but the issue here that I seek to highlight is that the attractiveness of mating partners maybe based on requirements with evaluations being assessed via those requirements. The singing behavior of cardinals, however, creates a wondering about what function those songs have regarding the acceptance or rejection of the prospective mate.
While I have no experience with polar bears and not much with bald eagles or cardinals, I am intimately aware of my personal history of coping with the érōs of human males. My instinct is to start with the notion of attractiveness. I typed in “attractiveness” in my Google Search engine and the first entry at the top of the screen was a definition: “the quality of being pleasing or appealing to the senses.” That works, but what is pleasing or appealing to one individual may not be appealing or pleasing to another. As an example, one person may like cake but not pie and one person may like cherry pie but not custard pie. Some might like fish while others hate fish and eat only beef. There are some cultures that eat bugs and insects, but not me.
What makes one mating male partner attractive while diminishing other prospective partners? For the female cardinal, a male with a bright red color and a small black face is more attractive than a bright red male with a large black face. Hominids would be different than cardinals, thus what constitutes attractive features would be different.