For sure, I’m a broken man
whose soul cracked at age fifteen
when my core beliefs
were ransacked by a pig-priest
who decreased my faith
to a despicable place
of self-hate and immense rage
caged in self disgust
that destroys trust in figures
of authority.
Child sexual abuse is
heinous rebuke of a child’s
frail humanity.
Tina was only twelve when
her humanity
was shelved for Bartholomew’s
pleasure to sever soul from
her very young flesh.
So, to mesh two such broken
souls in tight exchange
can rearrange dynamics
in dramatic ways quickly.
The sticky, icky,
prickly part of surviving
shared trauma starts with
hypervigilance, unknown
defense mechanisms and
hidden, quick triggers
that once fired will alter
a gentle, calm breeze
into twisting grey funnels
that will not be appeased with
hollow platitudes
greased with kindness and strong pleas
for rational thought.
Such storm fronts must be fought with
raw, undeniable truth.
Our passion flows
like Nature’s wind grows from calm
stillness of clear skies
to the craziness of fierce
hurricanes and tornados.
Traumatized children
are forces of nature that
have been conjured up
by their environmental,
chaos theory specifics.*
* (a) sensitive dependence on initial conditions, and (b) the nature of nonlinear elements
[Shannon]
What are you trying
to convey to us — that you’re
shying away from
helping her “to stay the course”
which was your discourse-mantra
repeated often
to fashion a gospel for
her continued growth?
[Joseph Ward]
It is critical to see
the danger for me to be
tightly involved with
Tina directly in a
day to day exchange.
In my counseling I worked
hard to find what lurked in the
deep caverns below
my safe havens, that yearned for
their free expression.
I learned about my fountain
of ego states that emerge
and recede based on
what needs to be achieved when
the circumstances
dictate an irate or a
friendly state to actuate.
I had three key states
that would dominate my moods:
The Old Man would stand
for my current self that sought
to augment my attempt to
survive my dying
control of the old trauma
I never exposed.
But, the Imp rose to brandish
blows verbally, viciously
or physically
as needed to succeed in
keeping myself safe.
Then there is the Hurt Child of
Fifteen who no longer screams,
speaks or cries or sings.
What seems to be a long trip
through frightening dreams
of horrifying kid scenes
took E M D R * treatments,
* Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing
once per week for three tough years,
to clear away barriers
that fused night terrors
to restless sleep drenched in sweat.
Threats no longer beset my
night’s hours of rest
because the Imp refreshed well
the Hurt Child’s lost quest.
My unspoken goal to roll
the dice for treatment was to,
figuratively
speaking, amputate the parts
of my dark psyche
I hate from the bashing fate
blessed by an unholy priest
like a gangrened limb
that seeks to infect the whole
of my injured soul.
But the first lesson to learn
is the realization
that the psyche’s not
flesh and bone that can be sown
back together or
measured for a paster cast
to hold fast broken spirits
much less toss away
a page of pureed deep trust
that crushed dependence
on critical support that
withstands the demands of stress.
Integration of
the anguish of brutish, fierce
history is the
only prescription for my
healing the consequence of
my terrorizing
traumatic encounter of
a predator-priest
draped in white wool’s holiness*.
At fifteen in the evening
* Beware of wolves dressed in sheep’s clothing.
scene of Sun slipping
into the grey dusk before
dark moonless Night flipped
the off switch to busy Day’s
ruckus display of power,
I cowered with grief
beneath shame and disbelief
of priests’ love for youth.
I struggled to live or die
by command of my own hand.
Weepingly I would
creep from my desolation
by abandoning
the Hurt Child curled tightly in
fetal position centered
in the fine grey dirt
of a vast soundless playground
and exit heavy
cast iron gates to take on
the Imp’s aggressive, strong state.
Make no mistakes, I
survived but I did not thrive.
You cannot live well
if your child resides in hell.